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Why do people still smoke when they're sick? I mean like a cold, stuffy nose, runny nose, sore throat, coughing (you get the point). It just seems that you wouldn't even be able to enjoy it.

I've been up last minute packing for a cruise in taking with my co workers. This should be very interesting. I'm trying to get excited, be positive, but I don't know. I'm really just not feeling the whole thing. I think it would much better if were a leisure trip on my own, with people that I actually get along with. I just feel like there going to be a out of dead space and I'll be spending much time alone.



I'm used to spending time alone, but last minute packing did not suit me well this time. I forgot the most important thing... My books. Well, fuck me. And I ommited my bottle of wine because my bag is like the smallest one imaginable.



Its four days three nights. I'll survive.



Ungrateful I guess.

Two nights ago I was pulling my sheets back to get ready for bed when I notice a silverfish in them. Well now I'm a paranoid mess. Every time I even think about sitting in my bed I have to take everything off, shake it out and then remake the bed. This is getting a bit ridiculous.

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algeriapython
04:02 Oct 17 2016

those things are awkward

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My emotions have changed so frequently over the past couple days I think I may have whiplash.



How is it possible that someone you've never even met can control how you feel?



Oh and what constitutes true love? Like between a man and a woman?



I'm not completely out of tune with my feelings. I think the problem is why am I feeling a certain type of way? But then again I don't even think that makes sense.

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LuvlySwan86
16:06 Oct 16 2016

I'm going to answer your question with a question.



If not having you in his life was the best thing for him, could you walk away? Even though it would not be the best thing for you.

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RosalindChoiseul
18:09 Oct 16 2016

That's a good question. If you love someone you're supposed to let them go right? But, I've never been any good at letting go

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Euphoria
16:27 Aug 16 2017

either have i

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The last few days have come and gone. It's weird how life kind of just happens. Some days you're in tune and other days are just a blur.



Anyway, I had tickets last night to go see Hawthorne Heights. I was pretty exited, I haven't seen them in like ten years or so, but it didn't happen. It's probably better that I didn't though, I know I would've ended up drunk. And there lies the problem. I couldn't gauge my mood last night so happy drunk or miserable depressed drunk? I decided not to take my chances.



I ordered pizza and cuddled in bed with my daughter. We watched Alvin and the Chipmunks meet Frankenstein. She loves those movies so it was worth it that she was happy.



I'm just feeling in over my head with life. There are only a couple of thints that make me happy and even those things bring me sadness at times.



I need a sure way to work on myself. I know I'm a problem and noone wants to hang around or be with someone who is always negative. There's a reason I have no friends and can't maintain any type of relationship with anyone.



I just never wanted this to be my life. I can't even belive I made it this far, but now there's no way out.

Is it possible to be miserable and happy at the same time?

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LordFangor
17:36 Oct 11 2016

oh, yeah

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Deluna
08:08 Oct 13 2016

Can one have cake & eat it also?

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Today wasn't as bad as I initially thought itv would be. I've been trying to keep my head up and stay positive which at times feels damn near impossible, but I did okay.



I survived work.



I made a huge pot of chill for dinner (it's finally cooling down in Florida!).



And I put together a puzzle with my daugher, who also helped me cook. She went from foot to foot under me in the kitchen to sitting up on the counter helping me throw things into the pot. I actually bought her a really nice kitchen set, but I'm not putting it up until we move at the end of this month. Only 18 more days!!



So a couple days ago I was writing about being into someone and it being like a head trip. Well it stii is. It's been over three years since I've had ANY KIND of relationship with anyone. You just get used to being alone you know. But today he calls me his girlfriend and yes my heart melts a little and my smile is ear to ear, but wait...what?

Things are so complicated!! This is a long distance relationship which has its benefits as far as keeping me from really rushing into anything, but there's other complications besides that. Plus the fact that I can't get over feeling like in general I'm property pretty much used for sex. I know that's terrible to think, but for a long while I didn't even give a fuck.



I'm not the prettiest in the room and I'm not the smartest either. I'm average at best and I came to terms with that a long time ago, but sometimes that doesn't matter and as fucked up as it may seem sometimes it's nice to be noticed, even if the feeling is fleeting. Talk about making yourself feel good now just to feel like shit later. I've stayed in relationships because I loved, but to the other person I was just something to use for the time being.



Like Manson's User Friendly they were all

"I'm not in love, but I'm gonna fuck you 'til somebody better comes along." Only I never wanted to be anyone's whore, I just wanted someone to fall in love with me. Like maybe if given the chance to get to know me, you'll realize you can love me. But then I think it's me. Maybe they could, but then the crazy comes out.



So fuck, I got off topic again. I think what I'm trying to say is I don't want to be user friendly this time around. I want a real relationship on both ends. I'm not sure if I'm making any sense. I should proably attempt this hour and a half of sleep before I have to wake.

Woke up entirely too early this morning. Actually my daughter woke me, she says I scared her. I don't know maybe I was talking on my sleep or something which would be rather interesting especially considering she does the same. In fact she suffers fron night terrors so she can be the creepy one at night. She bolts up several times out oh her sleep at night. Sometimes she just sits there staring at nothing, and other times she she's all frantic screaming and calling out for me even though I'm right there. Either way she's dead asleep. I'm just waiting for the sleep walking to start.

My daughter loves to help me clean. Of course she's more in the way, but it's really cute that she tries. Laundry is done, and now she has her small basket over her head asking me where she is...I love that children can smile and play and just have fun in any situation.

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KieaCakes
01:15 Oct 10 2016

Aren't they just the best? My 2 year old is potty training. She got so excited at how much was in her potty that she brought the insert to me. Tripped and dumped pee all over the laundry I was folding. She made up for it by putting it all in the washer for me. Lol!

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RosalindChoiseul
11:43 Oct 10 2016

Yea, that sounds like something my daughter would do as well. At least they're sweet and thoughtful at that age

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I'm in a really weird place right now. In some areas of my life, things seem to be going very well, while in other areas they seem to be going to shit.



My job I've been working is a really good one, but I had no real formal training. I got hired on because I knew someone and I was able to do on the job training from there. Well, I'm not terrible at it, but I'm not perfect either. The problem is I lIke to be perfect. I pride myself on doing whatever it is that I do and rocking that shit. I don't have a ton going for me so work is...whatever. I'm usually really good at my job.

Anyway, there are certain aspects that I feel lIke I'll never get down. I suck at taking to the doctors. It's lIke I lose everything in head. There's no confidence what so ever. Wednesday I had an encounter with one of the doctors and I just felt like such an idiot. I sucked it up, but as soon as he walked away in came the tears. Really? I have no business crying at work.

It's been three years since I've picked up a razor, but I panicked. I have to be professional, I have patients to see and I'll be damned if I let anyone at that place see me upset. So I went to the bathroom and I cut and it felt amazing. I'm so weak, but it worked. I had forgotten how good it felt. And trust me I know, if I had stopped cutting why the fuck do I still carry razors? For that exact reason. You never know when you'll need one.



When I had my daughter I had said I was done with everything. I quit smoking, which for the most part I've stuck with. If I go out for drinks I'll sneak one or two in, but I will never let her see me smoke. I've got lots of scars I'm sure she'll one day inquire about, but I'll do my best to never let her see fresh wounds. And then there was the whole dating thing.

That wasn't for her, but for myself. I identified as lesbian until I was nearly 27 and after enough fucked up relationships was just kind of like why not. But the reality was just that gender doesn't matter, I make terrible choices when I get invloved with someone. I fall hard, I fall fast, and I'm willing to stick through whatever bullshit to show just how much I love you.

Well, my daughter's father is the first time I ended a relationship and I was just in the first couple months of pregnancy. Anyways this is all irrelevant. The point is I had come to peace with spending the rest of my life alone. It's just not worth it right? No, that's not right.

I live in my head a lot ( yes I'm admitting this out loud). That means sometimes I'm alone, and sometimes my daughter and I have someone else in our lives. Either way is not real and I can create my own ending.

Well, I don't want to live in my head anymore. I'm into someone and I don't even know how to be. I know I don't my emotions running ahead of me getting all attached when the feelings aren't mutual, but I also don't want to come off as insecure and or needy and I really don't want to appear uninterested.

Even if it's okay though, no one sticks with me once they really get to know me. I don't know. I'm completely ridiculous.

I'm not going anywhere with this, just thinking out lout to get shit out of my head.